Why your partner looks like the enemy when you are triggered.

Cues from the outside world, like an angry tone, a dismissive hand gesture, a few contempt words, or the roll of an eyeball can be a sign of danger to the alarm centre part of the brain called the amygdala.  The amygdala then sends a message to the rest of the brain – “man the battle stations”. Primal emotions of anger, fear, hurt are registered and generate the protest against the perceived loss of connection into evolutionary reactions of “fight, flight, or freeze.

This survival brain (this dumb part of the brain), is fast acting and automatic. It doesn’t use rational thought, empathy, awareness, understanding or consciousness (found in the higher cortical structures of the brain).  It responds as if a war is taking place and your partner is the enemy, “shooting first and asking questions later”. When activated or triggered, it is only interested in maintaining its survival and will go to great lengths to self- protect. It will react as if your partner is the enemy. The cues are subtle that can set off this war-like brain, a sharp tone, a raise of an eyebrow, a finger pointing gesture, or a few hostile words.  Is it any wonder, how we have survived without killing one another or avoiding one another altogether?   

Slower to respond, is the neocortex, especially the prefrontal cortex. It is designed for love and is much smarter.  When this part is online and not hijacked by the primitive brain – you can think coherently  and  rationally, detach from the trigger/cue with awareness and see the whole picture.  It is the seat of empathy, cooperation, striving for how can we make this better? Because this portion can be hijacked by the lower cortical system and become offline, it is smart to wait to respond to the cue until this part is fully engaged. Once engaged it has the ability for “witnessing” and can make a repair and see that those primitives were overactive. It has the ability to take in the full situation and see that this cue was triggering something from the past. It has the ability to take into account the impact of the behaviour. Essentially, it moves from I consciousness – all about Me to We consciousness. We are the only species to have this newer part of the brain. We are the only species that is able to self-reflect, contemplate and see that there may be more going on than meets the eye, thus taking into account the whole situation. 

So how can we have this part of the brain regulate the primitives and be more engaged? 

Meditation and mindfulness are practices that can be utilized. They strengthen this part of the brain; they strengthen the pathways for this higher evolved part of the brain. For example, watching your breath, slowing your breath down, taking in long inhales and exhales, slows the activated amygdala and its associated parts of the brain. Our breath is always with us. Just focusing our attention can turn the heated moment into awareness of what is happening. 

Have you ever noticed that when you are in fight, flight, freeze or any high intensity emotion – your breathing becomes shallow and your body is constricted? Shutting down digestive areas, your body is ready to move – from the danger cue. Your eyes become hyper focused on the danger cue and your awareness is limited to surroundings. 

Another good remedy to move out of the primitive state is to become aware of your surroundings. Look and name what you see, hear and name what you hear, feel and name what you feel. (ie the chair touching your legs). This allows us to come into present moment awareness. 

Time outs are also very important offering a powerful interrupt to the destruction that the primitives can get up to! Time outs give your brain the time needed to metabolize the cortisol in your brain and restore its capacity to move into the higher evolved neocortex. 

Take a walk, listen to music, have a bath, journal, watch a show, just take a break from the situation. It is a very responsible thing to do to settle your brain and reduce the impactful behaviours of the warring brain could do to the situation. Giving yourself a time- out allows for the return to centre. 

An important caveat with Time Outs!

What is very important in a relationship is to return to your partner when you move to a time out after becoming settled in the neocortex. Calling a time out means you care about your partner and the relationship, hence, you are going to return when things have calmed down in your system. Activations can stay high in your partner’s primitive brain, feeling the abandonment and emotional disconnection without a return. Don’t leave it longer than 24 hours – the relational rule. Partners can handle this much time for a reconnection or return, not more. 

What do you do when your primitive war-like brain is activated! And what functioning move could you begin to make to move back to centre?

Join me at one of our upcoming weekend retreats to learn about functional moves you can do to empower yourself and your partner.