Couples can release toxic pain and hurt when they are able to give sincere apologies to each other
Recent studies have found that apologizing to your spouse and asking for forgiveness are crucial ingredients in a successful marriage. Apologizing to your partner when appropriate will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness, and allow you both to move on from mistakes.
Rather than pointing fingers in an effort to identify who is at fault, humbling oneself and confessing to the words or behavior that have caused your partner pain, upset, or harm can go a long way toward strengthening your marriage. It’s not about who is right or wrong if it’s a matter of your being “right” at the expense of causing pain to your spouse.
Jake feels resentment and anger towards his wife Erin since he found out that she spent some their savings on a down payment for a vacation with her sister. Over the past month, Jake has shut down emotionally and he’s been giving Erin the silent treatment. After their second couples counseling session, Erin apologized to Jake and his positive feelings and goodwill toward her are slowly being restored.
Jake puts it like this: “Erin says she deserves a nice vacation with her sister Caitlin but I was resentful that she didn’t tell me about it and it drained our savings. But now that she said she was sorry in a sincere way, I’m beginning to see that she made a mistake and is still the love of my life.”
When Erin was able to confess her wrongdoing and ask Jake to forgive her, this had a positive effect on his ability regain trust and had a healing effect on their marriage.
According to experts, the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love. Forgiving others and yourself is necessary for achieving healthy relationships. It is about being willing to acknowledge that you are capable of making mistakes, of being wounded, and can also risk being vulnerable.
Often people equate apologizing with weakness and it’s widely believed that if you apologize to someone you’re making yourself too vulnerable. However, apologizing can also be seen as a strength because it shows you are able to show goodwill toward your partner and it promotes forgiveness. Studies show that forgiving someone is one way of letting go of your baggage so that you can heal and enjoy a better quality of life.
“Apologizing and practicing forgiveness is about giving yourself and your partner, the kind of future you and they deserve...”
Couples who are emotionally attuned can fully process and move on from negative emotional events, forgive, and ultimately create a stronger relationship. In other words, couples who are able to give sincere apologies to each other can rid themselves of the toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected and emotionally attuned with their partner.
You may stubbornly hold onto the belief that you have nothing to apologize for – especially is your hurtful behavior or words were not intentional. However, apologizing to your partner is a key aspect of a successful marriage because it allows you to let go of large and small transgressions.
If you do apologize to your partner, be sure to do it in the right way that does not include excuses for your actions or words. Not all apologies will be the same but most will contain some of the following elements.
Apologies are an essential ingredient of a strong, healthy marriage. Accepting that you and your mate do the best you can, will help you be more understanding. This does not mean you condone his or her hurtful actions. You simply come to a more compassionate and realistic view of your spouse.
When you acknowledge your flaws – the things that make you human – it means that you can be vulnerable with your partner rather than allowing your fear of rejection or failure to overwhelm you.
Apologizing and practicing forgiveness are about giving yourself and your partner, the kind of future you and they deserve – unhampered by hurt and recycled anger. It is about choosing to live a life wherein others don’t have power over you and you’re not dominated by unresolved anger, bitterness, and resentment.