Social Media and Divorce: Why Quitting Social Media May Be Necessary

We all know how dangerous social media can be today, both for our mental and physical wellbeing. 

But how bad is it really? And is taking a break (or detoxing) really that important?

I wanted to share this story with you because it’s one that resonates with anyone going through a divorce.

A Short Essay on Social Media and Divorce

In the midst of my divorce, I made the decision to quit all social media as an act of self love. I deleted my accounts and apps off my phone. As a millenial ingrained in this online world, it came as quite a challenge, but when a stressful situation arises one starts to ask, what is helping me in this situation and what is not? 

I was already drowning in judgement, shame and comparison and I was finding social media starting to have a negative effect on my mental health. At this time I found it would only cause me more suffering for the pain I was in. I did what was best for the higher good of all, protecting myself, my children, and my then husband. 

During this year, I made personal growth at my full time job, alongside tending to my newborn and preschooler. The time I would have been wasting on social media was being used to gain wisdom and strength through reading, meditation, podcasts, and therapy sessions. 

My world at the time was a shade of grey and the thought of colourful images of happy families, celebrations, and milestones only triggered more pain. I felt the innate desire to live those perfect, happy lives.

I also thought how could I post about being a happy family of four when everything around me was falling apart. It would be inauthentic of me to show that things were fine when they were not. I didn’t have the energy to put up a facade, nor did I want to. 

Research shows that it only takes 30 days to change a habit. I found that to be true for me. After a month, I became used to this change. 

I began to feel freer. I wasn’t tied to my phone, in fact, I was hardly on it. 

I started filling my days with inspiration from thoughtful writers, philosophers, and spiritual leaders. 

I began a gratitude journal and practising mediation. 

I grew in my faith and in closeness to God. 

I started to become more aware of my surroundings. I was present. I was available. I was evolving. 

I thought I was staying connected by being on social media, but as time passed in the offline world, I started to feel more connected than I ever have. Connected to myself, my higher self, and my internal world. At the same time, connecting to my external world in an authentic way. 

I was more available to my daughters. Available to experience joy, gratitude, and love in real-time. Not by capturing it in a photo or video to share with friends. I felt those moments deeply in my soul. 

I felt free of judgment and comparison as a mother. I didn’t feel this heavy pressure of trying to keep up with other moms, who I thought were doing it better than me. Who’s kids looked more put together then mine. 

I was able to release the wound of perfectionism carried from childhood. Letting my oldest daughter come into her own creative being. Rather than presenting her as photoshoot-ready everyday. 

Connections with strangers came frequently. At shops, cafes, and restaurants. Rather than sitting with my head down on my phone, I was engaging in new conversations with people. Real people. 

I began to notice and become aware of how many of us are stuck in this head down posture. Obsessing over what filter to use or heading down a rabbit hole of this addictive selfie generated society. 

One of the biggest realizations I had as I look back on my experience is that I could have used social media to distract, avoid, or cover up the pain I was in. But I didn’t. And I am so grateful for

that. 

The longer you avoid pain, the longer it takes to heal. I know that part of where I am at a year later on this journey is credited to stepping back from this online society social club. 

My mental health thanks me. My daughters thank me. My evolved self thanks me. 

I don’t think the personal growth I have achieved over this past year could have been accomplished while being on social media. The departure created the space I needed to learn and grow to this magnitude. 

Social media has the potential to be such a positive influence, when it becomes more vulnerable. When you start to be mindful of who you follow and what content you allow in. 

When you start to be more mindful of the content you post and ask yourself what kind of impact do I want to make? 

When you start to ask yourself—is this making me feel good or not? Am I seeking validation, worthiness, or acceptance? Am I judging another? For when you judge another, you are in turn judging yourself and causing yourself harm. 

I found that the false validation I received from it was stripping away my true sense of self. I would start to ask myself, does it make it more valid if I share this with others? Or am I doing this for myself? 

During this year, life showed me the perfect example of seeking external validation, as part of my personal growth, was training for a triathlon. I had set no expectations for myself, I just wanted to finish. 

Race day came and I powered through. As I came to cross the finish line, I was looking for my parents and daughters, but they weren’t there. It turns out, I had far exceeded everyone's expectations. 

I finished with a pretty good time. They weren’t there yet because they weren’t expecting me to finish that quickly. I had no one to witness my accomplishment. I had no external validation. No instagram moment. As I stood there trying to catch my breath, there was no disappointment that surfaced. All I felt was overwhelming joy. I was doing this for myself, so it makes perfect sense that it was just me, when I crossed that finish line. What I felt from accomplishing this major feat far exceeded any external validation, I had experienced in the past. 

Maybe we should shift our thinking. Change our posture. Maybe we should share more struggles. Less beauty shots. More defeats, less triumphs. Devote time to be in stillness, in learning, and in authentic connection. And get our validation from within ourselves. 

I challenge you. 

Instead of checking your phone first thing when you wake up, take that 15 minutes to meditate, pray, or write in a gratitude journal and become a witness to the magnificent changes that will start to unfold. 

Remember it only takes 30 days to change a habit. 

Written by Andrea Merkl