Be a Safe Harbour for Each Other This Holiday Season

Like many of us, I grew up in a family where there weren’t a lot of boundaries or assertiveness in requests. Rigid controlling behaviours were there instead of healthy boundaries. Here are some tips that I have learned about relationships and setting these boundaries. People have better relationships when there are healthy boundaries. And making requests, gives the other party the opportunity to meet us in our needs. Read on to better understand the difference between a request, a boundary, and an ultimatum.

In the spectrum of romantic relationships, there are four levels. The first stage is a crush . In this stage, you feel warm inside while hanging out with a man or a woman who pays attention to you, looks sweetly at you, smiles at you or who is kind to you. You find that you like each other. This is a crush and it passes away with time. It doesn`t stay strong and there is no significant bond there. Adapted from Sri Krishnaji – Co-founder of Oneness and World Centre for Enlightenment. Author of Four Sacred Secrets: For Love and Prosperity

A couple trudged into my therapy office, slumped down in their chairs and glared at one another. The tensions were high and the emotions were charged. This couple in their 40s had yet another fight on the way to their appointment. This fight was a continuation of something that started last night, but the truth was they had variations of the same argument for the last five years. “I’ve asked you to be kinder, but you speak to me with such contempt and attack me,” he complained.  “But you’re doing things that upset me,” she counter-claimed. “What am I supposed to do?” They were at impasse and falling into this unhealthy dynamic over and over by making three common mistakes made by couples. What are these mistakes? Could knowing them transform your relationship?

With the holiday season upon us, aliveness and energy is in the air. The season can also be fraught with frenzy and heightened emotions. It is not uncommon for couples to be overwhelmed or disconnected during the holidays, especially if one or both of the partners gets triggered by certain events. The added stress can create relationship strife and difficulties.

In one of last articles, I outlined Five Losing Strategies which are destructive and damaging to your relationships, especially in our close loving partnerships. Here are Five Winning Strategies that Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Institute describes.

Blaming is a natural human tendency. When something bad happens, the first thing we want to know is, “whose fault is it?” Dr. Brené Brown considers why we blame others, how it sabotages our relationships, and why we desperately need to move beyond this toxic behavior. Watch her short on blaming below.

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Under stress, we move into doing and saying things that are often unskilled and immature. These behaviours can cause harm to another and erode relationships over time. It is not that we are uncaring in those times; rather, the stress responses mean we have reached an unhealthy capacity or emotional limit.