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4 Brutal Truths Why You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
Kathleen Maiman • October 11, 2019
Love is blissful when it’s reciprocated, but what if it isn’t? As much as we may wish it to be otherwise, some people may not want to be with us in the way we want them to be with them.
Reasons Why You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You
This is awfully difficult for some people to accept. Why do some people continue to pursue someone who’s not interested in them?
1. You’re projecting what you want to be true.
Projection is a term that’s often used in psychology to describe the ways in which we tend to see things in another person that don’t apply to them. Often, these imagined qualities carry the weight of our own unlived dreams, abilities, and impulses. In old fairy-tales, projection was depicted by pixie dust or other sorts of magic that would charm less fortunate characters.
In real life, projections operate more strongly when we are admiring a person from a distance. We don’t get to see the “flaws” that would become more obvious if we were to live with the person day-to-day.
2. You actually like the drama.
Some people become addicted to the feeling of “the chase.” It can become so intoxicating that they prefer the pain of unrequited love to the sacrifices involved in a real relationship. The fantasy fueled by the chase becomes more important than its fulfillment. The culmination of a love relationship can bring us back to a sobering sense of reality. The glamour fades and mundane life sets in again.
This is the appeal of unrequited love is for some people. If they prolong “the chase,” then they don’t have to face the anticlimactic sense of coming down off of the romantic high. Continuing to pursue—or agonize over—someone who doesn’t love us in return can keep us tortured yet fascinated. It stimulates high drama, providing the ideal antidote to any boredom that may be lurking around in our lives.
3. You have a fear of intimacy.
However, the urge to stir up an otherwise mundane existence is not the only motivation that people may have for chasing after a person who doesn’t return their affections. Some people make a habit of avoiding real love as a way of protecting themselves. They shy away so they won’t get hurt. Prolonging the search for love—in this case, pursuing it when it’s unrequited—becomes a way of keeping the sensation of being in love without the risk.
Chasing after the impossible person turns into a kind of bargain through which we satisfy our longing for connection and our need to protect our vulnerable feelings at the same time. Remaining fixated upon someone who doesn’t love us in return allows us to feel some of the intensity and passion involved in an affair without the risk of commitment—because deep inside we know that this chase will never really lead to an actual relationship. The object of our affections remains always just beyond reach.
4. You’re stuck in the past.
There are a myriad of reasons why someone may want to avoid the reality of intimacy in their lives.
- It can involve painful experiences and disappointments from the past.
- It can reflect the negative impact of sexual and/or emotional abuse.
- It can even be a by-product of peoples’ inborn sensitivity, which drives them to long for closeness while at the same time fearing the upheavals that powerful emotional attachment can bring.
Any of these conditions can lend a situation involving unrequited love a kind of allure. Caught in its painful cycle, we can taste passion without being swept away by it. We can nurture our desires by always keeping ourselves one step away from fulfilling them.
What to Do if You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back
If you’re pining over someone who is not returning your love, I urge you not to waste your time anymore. If you really desire a relationship, remember that it will not happen without two people having the same feelings at the same time. It’s difficult but necessary to take a look at yourself to know what is holding you back from finding love. Take a risk, be vulnerable, and take a chance on real (and reciprocated) love. There is nothing like having a partner to share your life with whom you can count on, is emotionally available to you, and more than willing to love you back.
Take a deeper look into yourself or heal some of the past wounds and injuries with your partner at one of our upcoming Singles/Individuals Weekend Retreats or a Couples Weekend Retreat this November.
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