Uncertain Times Call for New Measures

Take the time to reach out to others for support and to others that may be feeling vulnerable and need an ear. It can feel great to reach out to someone that is in need of help or have someone respond to you. It helps us to expand our awareness that each of us experience fear and vulnerability, our common reality of interconnectedness. Ultimately, this brings forth more compassion for each other and ourselves. 

Never before, have we been given so much time to meditate, reflect, go within and find the deeper meaning in all of this. When we do this, we can connect to a higher power, find our core and build our faith. Faith, above all, can lead us out of fear and uncertainty. It is connecting with our inner essence or presence that reminds us that we are more than what happens on the outside and that we can handle what life gives us.

Life is both pain and pleasure, both opportunity and challenge, both birth and death. There is a season and a time for everything. Embrace what has been given to us and make use of it. Take on a new exploration or new learning; spend quality time with your spouse and your children. Have those conversations that you have been putting off. Begin to contemplate and manifest your dreams and desires. We are adaptable as human beings. When we embrace all that is given, we can move to a state of gratitude. 

Out of every crisis there is an opportunity. I, personally, found myself going through a process, like I was shedding an old snake skin. Who do I want to be in this time? Do I want to stay self-centred, unapproachable or do I want to be flexible and available? This has really taught me that I have gifts to give others. When I can stay calm and in a connected state, the state spreads to others and ignites their natural calm connected state. 

My millennial friend introduced me to this term. With social media very active right now, many of us are turning towards our devices. It is a great escape, however, it is also easy to get hooked in, inundated and overwhelmed with all that we are seeing and hearing. Being informed is necessary and putting on the brakes will give our eyes and minds and bodies a well-deserved reprieve. Other activities can then enter the space. 

Remember in times of distress, we may become more clingy, demanding or retreating and withdrawing. Notice the polarity that starts to emerge and see it for what it is – old coping mechanisms that get activated during times of distress.

Recognize that stress comes from lack of structure, too much togetherness, and anxiety. You are in the bunker together with the invisible enemy surrounding you. Work together as a team to get through this by developing a routine together and apart, around work and family routines. Make some plans and stick to them for some semblance of order allowing space and distance as well as together time. 

If you see something that your partner is doing behaviourally that you don’t like, ask them for a behaviour change. First affirm them that they are doing what they think is appropriate. Then ask for the change, using language such as…..”What would really help me….what would really help my anxiety…. What would really help my safety is…….”

Connection with friends and loved ones is so important during this crisis. Seek out your favourites as a couple via Facetime, Zoom, Skype etc. You may want to share a meal, or drink together and have some good conversation and laughs. This will restore your sense of connection with others and fill both of you up. 

This will help your partner feel supported and will promote their focus on reciprocating this experience. When they share, focus on your partner’s body language, facial expressions and tone of voice as they respond. Do you notice relief and happiness or stress and frustration? 

Band together during this crisis as opposed to making your “couple problems” worse. When anxious or scared, we don’t make the best decisions, so take any threat of divorce or separation off the table. If old and chronic problems flare up, externalize them by saying that they are flaring up from the external virus situation, not from inside the marriage or relationship. 

The “couple bubble” coined by Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love tells us about the need for couples to create an “ecosystem for their relationship”. In this bubble, the needs of the relationship are prioritized and maintained so that each member feels nourished and protected against external stressors. Get yourself into the couple bubble by having some alone time.