Security at Home and in the World this Holiday Season

When I witness a couple move from fear and blame into trust and genuine care, I am inspired to feel hope for humanity. Protecting our loved ones and providing real relief to each other are qualities our entire world needs right now. And this starts in romantic partnerships. The primary relationships within our own homes are powerful resources that can provide needed comfort and safety in a difficult, uncertain, and challenging world.

A couple who willingly embark on improving the security in their relationship will learn how much is possible when they have truly cultivated a secure-functioning relationship. They work in the present moment to discover who each of them is as an individual; practice new ways of being in relationship that may feel vulnerable, strengthening their connection; and challenge themselves to do the work of creating a mutual, safe, and just two-person system. They will not want to revert to anything less than this once they have experienced how impactful and necessary a secure intimate relationship is.

But what about couples who struggle to get on board with the work of building a secure-functioning relationship? I may know how important security is for the long-term health of the individuals and the relationship, but my clients often don’t. They come in for help, but are ambivalent about therapy, as well as about their relationship. Instead of participating collaboratively in therapy, they may repeatedly act out their ambivalence, despair, frustration, anger, and other unconscious feelings and agendas. They try to make therapy, or the therapist, the problem. Our sessions can feel like one step forward, two steps back.

Staying on the course with couples in therapy is the challenge. Reminding couples of this stance, that they picked each other, they are in each other’s care and helping them to take a stand for the betterment of their relationship. Making one another a priority and creating agreements that cultivate and demonstrate mutuality.



To grow in security, a couple must also grow in complexity. They have to expand their awareness of themselves and each other, and learn to be a two-person system. They need to face the learned behaviors and beliefs about relationship that they brought forth that is now sabotaging their long term security. Not only do primary relationships benefit greatly from this work, but our entire world benefits from having mature adults who can respond well to each other.

May you create a safe haven with your beloved this holiday season, making this world an easier and more secure place for all.