How to Use Imago Therapy to Overcome Relationship Issues

In the words of the creators of Imago relationship therapy (IRT)—Harville Hendrix Ph.D., and Helen LaKelly Hunt Ph.D., IRT is all about getting the love you want and keeping the love you find.

What is Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)?

Imago means “image” in Latin. As it pertains to IRT, the term imago is based on the unconscious image of familiar love, such as motherly or fatherly love. Therefore, imago relationship therapy focuses on potential unresolved patterns from childhood that may affect your adult relationships.

When it comes to forming relationships, your unconscious mind may guide you toward people with certain behaviors or personality traits that are reminiscent of the ways your parents or early caregivers treated you. 

Don’t worry, this is a completely natural process—the way you bonded with others in childhood is strongly engraved in your consciousness. It’s what is familiar to you and it’s where your sense of self stems from. Where you once looked to your parents to fulfill your emotional needs, as an adult, you now turn to someone else to fill that role. The attraction to someone with similar traits and behaviors to your childhood caregivers offers you a sense of familiarity and belonging. 

This is great if you came from an early environment full of love, respect, comfort, and safety. But what happens if you endured painful childhood experiences, such as neglect, domestic violence, feeling unheard, abandoned, unimportant, and constantly criticized? Unfortunately, your subconscious mind puts you on the lookout for partners who make you feel that exact way. 

As these patterns reappear throughout your life, you may struggle to develop secure connections with others—especially with significant others—and this can lead to many unwanted, yet repeated, relationship issues. Imago relationship therapy works to turn those core issues and relationship conflicts into much-needed opportunities for healing and growth.

What Can Imago Therapy Help With?

Imago therapy for individuals can help you learn how to achieve positive interactions and relationship satisfaction. IRT strengthens relationships by helping people develop better intimacy through:

• Being more aware and present
• Showing empathy in conversations
• Being aware of your separate identities 
• Reacting with curiosity rather than judgment
• Showing positivity and appreciation instead of blame and contempt
  
  

The endgame of imago therapy is to help build understanding and promote healing in relationships. There are many issues imago therapy addresses: 

• Feeling disconnected
• Recurring conflicts/disagreements
• Lack of trust 
• Infidelity 
• Communication issues
• Lack of physical or emotional intimacy
• Frequent misunderstandings
• Boredom or frustration

Who Can IRT Help?

Imago therapy isn’t just for people dealing with painful experiences of the past or conflict in their relationships. It can help anyone learn more about themselves and their partner, regardless of their childhood experiences. This, in turn, helps you form a deeper connection with others. Even couples who barely argue can deepen their understanding of one another and their relationship goals. 

Imago therapy can help anyone who:

• Is strengthening their commitment to one another by marriage, common-law, having children, or buying a home
• Is beginning a new relationship and wants to ensure the connection is strong from the start
• Wants more fun and passion in their relationship
• Wants to preserve their current relationship
• Is experiencing conflict and wants to improve their communication skills
• Wants to prevent their relationship from ending in separation or divorce 
• Is single and wants to create a fulfilling and healthy relationship in the future
• Is single and looking to understand why past relationships failed so they can grow from them

What Are Some Benefits of Imago Therapy?

There are several key benefits of imago relationship therapy for both individuals and couples.

Benefit #1: Having a Better Understanding of Your Early Attachments 

Imago relationship therapy focuses on how your childhood experiences with parents or caregivers may directly relate to how you choose relationship partners as adults.
 

When looking for a partner, people are naturally drawn to others who feel familiar or easy to connect with. The imago therapy dialogue centers on the idea that the familiarity stems from the early attachments you had as a child—when someone feels “familiar” or “comfortable”, you’re more likely to let your guard down, making it easier to form a deeper connection in that relationship.

But as you become more serious with your partner, you may feel yourself suddenly withdrawing, distrusting, or becoming emotionally unavailable toward your partner as old feelings subconsciously resurface, leaving you to wonder what the heck is happening. Having a better understanding of your early attachments can help heal buried wounds and strengthen your relationship with yourself and your partner. 

Benefit #2: Turn Conflict Into Growth

Imago therapy focuses on turning negativity and conflict into opportunities for growth and healing. IRT won’t teach you how to avoid conflict in your relationship, or how to have a better fight. Instead, it encourages people to take advantage of moments of distress and use them for exploration, curiosity and learning for a better understanding of themselves, their early attachments, relationships, and their partners. 

Benefit #3: A Collaborative Approach to Treatment

Because imago relationship therapy is collaborative, there isn’t a specific role for your therapist to step into in terms of offering advice. Instead, your therapist works with you as a couple using imago dialogue to determine areas that need improvement, so your relationships can heal as a whole.

Professional imago therapists know the right questions to ask to prompt collaborative thinking, so you and your partner can discover things about one another, and of yourselves, naturally.

How Can I Find a Local Imago Therapist?

Only licensed and credentialed therapists who have gone through extensive training (over 96 hours worth) supervised by the Imago International Institute have the qualifications to be called certified imago relationship therapists. 

You can find more information about certified therapists, training, workshops, and additional resources on the Imago Relationships North America (IRNA) website.

Ready to Explore & Reconnect With Yourself And Your Partner?

Feeling disconnected from yourself, your relationships, and the world around you can leave you with a sense of despair and loneliness. A certified imago relationship therapist can help you sort through your connections with others to help you build stronger, more committed relationships.

If you’re ready to curb unhelpful reactions, learn why you react to certain conflicts the way you do, and replace pain and blame with trust and intimacy, it’s time for imago therapy. 

Learn more about Love of Attraction’s online relationship therapy and our in-person couples counseling sessions in Calgary, Alberta today.