Fighting With Your Partner: How to Do It Right

Every couple fights. But not every couple fights while maintaining respect and compassion for one another. If your fights are overwhelming, distressing, or ruthless—you’re not doing it right. 


Conflict can be constructive rather than damaging. While arguments usually spark short-term discomfort, expressing angry feelings paves the way for open and honest dialogue in the long run. 


But that’s only true if you and your spouse understand how to navigate conflict in a productive and healthy manner. Here are five tips to keep in mind during your next disagreement. 

1. Know Your Triggers 

Take a moment to reminisce on your fights. Are you locked in a cycle? Do you repeat the same fight over and over without realizing it? 


For example, do you and your spouse have different after-work routines? Does one partner come home ready to vent while the other prefers a moment of alone time before catching up? This may lead to feelings of isolation on one end and exasperation on the other. 


The solution is to notice the script—and learn to compromise. For instance, agree on a 20-minute “settling-down” period that starts with both partners greeting each other and ends with a catch-up session. 

2. Time Out Means Time Out 

Fights activate our sympathetic nervous systems, otherwise known as our “fight, flight, or freeze” mechanisms—none of which are productive in your run-of-the-mill domestic dispute. 


When stress hormones kick into gear, problem-solving is no longer possible. That’s because your mind is honing in on a perceived threat. If either partner is in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, attempting a calm discussion may lead to feelings of frustration on both sides. 


When progress becomes impossible, it’s time for a timeout. But that doesn’t mean walking away without another word. Instead, remind your partner—and yourself—that you love them and give them a number to hold onto (e.g., “I need 10 minutes”). 

3. Never Insult Each Other 

Insults, sarcastic remarks, and character assassinations are never constructive. Once that boundary is crossed, the discussion is over. No exceptions. While heated feelings subside, words—especially hurtful ones—tend to stick around. 


Solving a conflict means listening without interrupting. Maintaining compassion during a disagreement can be as simple as a loving touch, listening carefully, or asking for clarification whenever you’re unclear. 

4. Learn How to Apologize 

Sometimes an apology isn’t enough. Apologizing the wrong way, moreover, can backfire completely, stirring the pot once more. For instance, an apology littered with rationalizations and requests for forgiveness undermines its own sincerity—and almost always causes resentment. 


Apologies don’t need to be solely verbal. What type of apology is meaningful to your partner? You may prefer a heartfelt speech while your partner may appreciate a thoughtful gesture, such as completing a chore that was on their list. 


Learning what your partner needs to hear, see, or feel from you is one of the most important steps toward solving a conflict once and for all. 

5. Find an Outlet Through Couples' Counselling 

Are you feeling uneasy about rising tensions in your relationship? Do you find yourself engaging in frequent, explosive conflicts that inflict lasting damage? Learn how to prevent disagreements from turning sour with The Love of Attraction couple's counselling sessions. 


Work alongside registered psychotherapist Kathleen Maiman to bring compassion and respect into your disagreements. 


Find out more about the couples therapy and counselling services offered by clicking here. Feel free to contact me directly if you have any questions.