Feeling the Post-Holiday Blues? Give It 6 Months Before Calling It Quits

Why does this seem to always happen in January?

Many people spend time reflecting on their past and their future in December and early January. It comes with the season. It’s not uncommon for people to decide to commence divorce discussions in January as the start of a new year is for many, a time of reflection on their life choices and consideration of future goals. It can be a time to evaluate how to improve on the things that are not working in their lives and commit to better choices.

Think of it as another kind of New Year’s resolution. Some people resolve that the “weight” they want to lose is their spouse. It may also be time to start the process because people, who may have been thinking about it for a while, wanted to make it through the holidays without disrupting the family with discussions of divorce.

Other reasons for the increase are that people had a holiday season that had many disappointments or recurring upsets that may have pushed them over the edge. Something inside of them now says I’m done with this pain! I want a new beginning—a new life without him or her. It’s time for me! 

Even though our culture is supportive of divorce and separation, many people are disillusioned. The reason is, you can’t divorce yourself. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says: “Wherever you go, there you are.”

 

You will go with “you” into the next relationship or marriage. The “you” that was showing up in the relationship with the poor choices, sad disposition, judgemental attitude, and poor methods of relating will show up in the next relationship.  

We often think I will be different when I am not under this amount of burden or stress, when I am free of the toxicity in this relationship. Sure, your partner has a role to play, but only around 50% though.

What about your contribution? Was your decision to end the relationship offsetting the blame onto your partner, or did you come to the belief that you are not sufficient for relationships, moving into despair, and the why bother phase? Is there a need to work on yourself, being responsible for your own happiness?   

With some truth in this—we do need to work on our own happiness and not expect our partner to make us happy. However, one knows that it is much easier to be happy when no one is pushing your buttons on a daily basis. 

Many people resist couples therapy because of the fact they have to open up old wounds, and there is no guarantee that things will change or resolve. But how can healing happen unless one touches these raw spots? 

If unprocessed, those raw spots and their scars will most likely be carried into another relationship and re-open at a future time. 

Attending a couples therapy session or two seems to be a last-ditch effort when one person is already “one foot out the door,” boasting “we tried couples therapy.” This short term venture is often associated with the classic “drop off” that many therapists experience. The implicit message: “I am leaving my spouse or partner here with you so you can support them” or the “I’ve already decided, I don’t want to continue this. He/she is your problem now.”  

What many don’t consider in the decision-making process of divorce and separation is this question. Have we tried to go to couples counselling more than three times with three different therapists in order to find help for your marriage? 

It takes time to find the “right fit” or the “right relationship therapist” that is seasoned and able to help you with your relationship problems. Also, one cannot expect a long-term marriage or relationship to be revitalized in a few sessions. It may have taken you 20 years to create the relationship you are in. Can you really expect new outcomes and learnings to come about so quickly?

It takes 21 days to change a habit, and many habits of disconnection have been reinforced over time, without successful repairs to old injuries and wounds. While stopping the bleeding is an important part of the therapy process at the beginning, the underlying deeper childhood issues may be getting in the way along with the attitudes and beliefs about relationships. 

It just takes time to uncover and peel back the layers. This is why we say: give it six months with an all-out full effort before you call it quits. Turn over each of the heavy rocks and stones before leaving the relationship.

It is human nature to listen to friends, family, and associates—those that will ally with our hurts. These allies are less inclined to offer insight into the potential of growth and the possibility of change. A good couples therapist is biased for your relationship. They will validate each of you while holding space, helping you to find ways to heal and re-connect.

Disconnected people don’t create a healthy relationship. That’s why learning skills for self-soothing in the face of challenges and difficulties, while staying connected to one another is a skill set we all need to learn. Practicing these skills over and over again takes time, energy, and commitment.

For the “do it yourselfers” (the ones that don’t go to therapy) conclude: “I’ve put the effort, and it hasn’t changed. So, now I am ready to leave.”

In my experience, the methods most often tried are counterproductive. For example, criticizing a partner to change their ways or not talking about their hurts in a constructive way, to name a few. We all have blind spots, and most of us have little idea of our impact on our partner. We become more focused on the pain and defending the pain versus trying to find a solution or a way through it. 

With good therapy, one is committed to their “own growth” and making positive changes to the relationship. This is often very rewarding and victorious—however, not easy. The easy way is to blame your partner while not giving the supportive environment required for positive change to happen.

A partner will not show up and be vulnerable if they know that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath them any time soon. It is like being in an audition, a “crazy-making” and destabilizing experience. To have a real, working full-out effort, removal of the threat is necessary. This lets our brains relax, offering the potential for a more intimate connection.

Many people think “six months is too long! I’ve suffered this long; I can’t do another six months. I just want out.”  

Research shows that many couples who engage in divorce proceedings come from a low despair place versus a conscious place. Unprocessed hurt and disappointment has a low destructive energy and breeds bad vibes for the ending of the relationship as well as a new beginning of living separate lives.

 

Kids can get caught in the middle of the power struggle, which can split them, having to choose a parent to be loyal to. So, given this, wouldn’t you want to give it a full six months before you call it quits? Seeking to understand what went wrong in the marriage gives you the possibility to see a new future either together or apart that comes from an amicable place of well-being and respect.

 

Yes, it takes courage not to follow the divorce route. You may find some hidden treasures in this process of therapy and self-discovery, allowing you to leave some old baggage behind for a new beginning. 

Of course, an evaluation at the end of six months is necessary. Do we try for another period of time, or do we call it quits? As hard as ending relationships is, most couples will be satisfied that we gave it an “all-out effort.”  

A clear conscious decision then can be made, while fully taking in what it means to leave the relationship in an honourable and respectful way. More than likely, the hurtful baggage won’t follow you in the next relationship, and you will be more prepared for the future. Having more knowledge about yourself and what it takes to be in partnership just makes sense. It creates the path for a more enlightened and fulfilling future for all.