Do You Ever Feel Angry?

Anger is a secondary emotion that is typically triggered by something else — usually fear, sadness, shame or guilt. When we begin to dig deeper into the reason why we are feeling angry, our communication regarding it can become more productive and constructive. Many people never learn how to process anger properly. As a result, relationships become a battlefield with consequences that are painful and lead to further disconnection. 



It’s important to understand that love and uncontrolled anger can’t coexist. Love seeks the well-being of the other, while uncontrolled anger tears down relationships and destroys the people in them. 

So what can you do if you find yourself handling your anger in an unhealthy way? Here are five tips: 

1. Recognize it is there and admit it. There’s nothing inherently wrong about anger. It is an emotion that gives us a clue that something has been violated; something feels unfair or unjust to you. So give yourself permission to recognize  that you are feeling anger. Also, give permission to others to feel their anger too.
2. Speak about your anger and express it.  Don’t move behind an anger wall and when asked if you are okay, say Fine!  When you are angry, don’t portray your anger through passive aggressive icy coldness and expect others to know and read your thoughts.  If someone has done or said something to upset you, express that you’re feeling angry and why. The other person deserves to know what you are feeling and why there is distance between you. You can’t repair something that is unseen or unexpressed. 
3. Follow rules of engagement. Every conflict needs rules of engagement. Avoid using terms when addressing the issue or situation with extreme terms of “always and never” that refer to absolutes or exaggeration.  Be careful to stay focused on the specific action or words that upset you, telling the person how you feel. Attacking the person over the behavior is not healthy or acceptable communication.  Stay away from using phrases, you made me feel! This is blaming and can resort to the other person reacting with defensiveness. Own your feelings and reactions. 
4. See another’s perspective. There are two (or more) sides to every story. You see things form one perspective: yours. Don’t fly off the handle and attack the other person. Become curious, not furious and give the other person a chance to explain his or her perspective. Genuine curiosity allows you to hold more than one perspective and is an indicator that you are handing your anger in a mature way. 
5. Be relational and repair.  Some relationships in life are irrelevant—the taxi cab driver who was rude to you, the person you dated when you were young and foolish and clearly not the one for you. Conversely, the people closest to you; these relationships are worth repairing. Nobody is a perfect human. Everyone messes up, even you. Therefore, relationships are complex and challenging and no relationship survives long-term without forgiveness. Anger highlights something is erroneous, but that doesn’t mean you have to walk away at the first mistake. Endeavour to hear each other out, resolve and dissolve the issue, learn from the experience, and move on together. Healthy relationships need lots of apologies and forgiveness. 

The next time you experience anger, take a moment to dive deeper into yourself, ask yourself why you are feeling that way, and use the steps above to navigate a healthy discussion regarding it. Your relationships will become strengthened and trustworthy. 

Note: If anger turns to rage in your relationships, you may want to seek out the help of a relationship therapist.