Disconnection Hurts, Repair Heals

Young couple in love outdoors

When we can’t repair or reconnect with our partner, we feel alone and isolated and unable to feel safe and secure. Lasting love and togetherness is a process in which individuals and couples connect, go through disconnection and then find each other again through the reconnection. When we don’t respond to a partners’ emotional hurts, we can get stuck in an angry response or shutting down, resulting in persistent unresolved conflicts that can lead to divorce or separation.

The moments of disconnects are palpable and painful. Recall a time when you reached for your partner or friend and they weren’t available or responsive to you. What did you do? What did you feel? How did you react? What did you tell yourself about you and the relationship? How did your reactions and dance moves then trigger your partner to be angry or turn away from you?  There is a predictable dance that humans go through at the moment of disconnection, whether we are coming from a young age just out of the cradle or approaching end of life. This response comes from the mammalian part of the brain and invokes each of us to reach and protest the disconnection through blame or criticism or withdrawing or turning away. Much of this dysregulation in the system occurs when the brain is flooded or hijacked by the triggered “panic alarm”, located in the amygdala. This panic invokes a reaction (ie flight, fight or freeze) with associative thoughts “Where are you? “I am alone”.  “I must get back into connection or I will die”.  Infants or partners left alone in isolation perceive this pain equal to DEATH and without touch, security and comfort will eventually die. Whether you are an infant or an adult, what is most important following the distressful, disconnections is an attuned response, in other words a REPAIR! Turning back towards one another, engaging, smiling, giving a hug or speaking in a soft voice: “I am here”, “I love you” are examples. The benefits are high as this makes a huge difference to the “panicked” brain. It can now settle and restore its equilibrium returning to a calm relaxed state. Nature designed it this way. We need each other to co-regulate our nervous systems.

As I write this, I am often reminded of scenes in movies that portray an individual that goes mad in isolation after time spent in “solitary confinement”. This makes so much sense. We are social creatures that are wired for connection. With the other, we feel relaxed, and cared for. Thus we will do much better and get along easier in the world when we are confident that “one” person has our back. Going against nature and trying to live in isolation or independently can be the basis or foundation for crime, poverty, and violence. The solution is responsiveness and attentiveness towards someone’s distress and their need for security and comfort. Relationships are the source, the root and the strength of our happiness. May you find relaxed joyfulness in a close connection with a primary partner, lover, a good friend or family member. We are wired for it. The END